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March 21st, 2006

12:19 am - My Nightmare Last night i had a nightmare. People find it strange i remember dreams so vividly. not all.. but some i do. so...... __________________________________________________________________________ It was terrifying. I was living in the city (in a beautiful apartment..) with a girl who looks like the lady from cold case. We went on a cruise ship, on the harbour, and we were hanging out with a bunch of people, and Amy (stick) came up to me and was telling me about how she couldnt find her friend. So i got really worried. We all went looking and asked around the boat etc, and i felt God saying "go further, go deeper" and im like "dude, i have no idea, does that mean she's in the water?" but that didnt feel right. we got to the bottom of the boat, and there was this room there, and it was like a set of stairs going down and then this room. alot of women were gathered around outside this door (it was like all metal, the doors like from titanic. it was cream though) and then this guy came out and started talking to this lady and i was like "whatis that room for?" and one of the women who works there was carrying out a tray of alcohol told me that thats where this guy takes these women. i freaked out, heat of the moment, pushed past the guy, and went into the room, found the girl and got her dressed and she couldnt walk, she couldnt speak she was totally just...emotionally drained. we took her (my room mate, amy and myself) to the police station, and she didnt want to go, but i was convinced i had to take her, and we left her there with amy, and went home. we were walking home through the beautiful city, talking and praying, and walked past the boat and one of the women ran out to talk to me, and she told me to go right home, that he had sworn to them all i was next. so we ran home, got inside checked everywhere, locked everything and had candles on and my roomate decided she wanted peanut butter. i let her go to the 711 and was in the loungeroom drinking a glass of wine (assuming i was over 18 here. lol.) and i decided to make sure the door was locked. so i went to get up, and looked through the door, that was fine, and turned around and he was inside! he came out of her room and pulled her with him, and she just looked at me. the look, honestly i could have burst out crying. He pushed her into the wall and grabbed me by the front of my shirt and pulled me reallllly close and told me if i didnt follow along with the little game he had for us, he would torture and kill Howard, Josie, Hannah and Ash. then they were all on the phone and he let them all talk to me, and surprisingly enough howard and Josie jokingly went "We always knew you were trouble!" and howard was like "honestly im fine, im a big girl, i can deal, just fight him, we'll figure it out in the end, im a problem solver remember? I have 3 very beautiful creative girls with me, and we'll work it out. i promise!" and Jose was like "Hey! dont freak out! remember when you first found out you were Tess and you turned around to me and flat out said "i wont do it"? you did it. and you didnt even trip over your skirt and show youre g-string like we joked!" and Ash and Han were both joking around etc....... and then before they hung up on me, J grabbed the phone and went "rhi, no really... we're scared. we know you'll get us out of here.. do what you think is right but remember that we love you anyway..". So then i had to do all these things in public with him. he made me pretend i was in love with him, and kept trying to kiss me, i had to take my christian cd off the market and transfer all my money to his accounts, I had to make an official press statement that i was formally withdrawing all my involvement with the church body, that i was fully supporting him in his innocence on all these attacks to these women, and somehow i managed to find out here they were keeping all of them, and i checked and he hadnt hurt any of them, not laid a finger on any of them, and i was so happy because i'd given him my body and just prayed that he would leave them alone. I called Sandra and told her that she needed to get the PM, and my father and Ash's dad, and Tony, and Lachlan and Matty and Ps Ric and Jack and Brian and explain to them what had happened and that they had to get them out. she called voni and she had no idea how she'd get all these people to believe her, but they did and they got them all out. and they had them in my beautiful house (not my apartment, my house.. go figure) and He found out and got really angry at me because he had nothing on me, and i fought him, but he cut all down my chest and stomach and i passed out then he ran, and Sandra found me, and took me to the hospital and then they let me go home, after i had a bunch of tests and after a few days, we all had a huge press thingo, all of us at a huge table. and they caught him, and then he went to court etc, and then i woke up right before they sentanced him. Current Mood: Terrified!!!!!!!!!!! Current Music: Doing the best i can (escape from Berlin) - Stevie Nicks

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February 16th, 2006

06:58 pm - I need you more than the morning needs the light. I havent written in a while i guess. I havent needed to, not really! Life is going fabulously!! Apart from the fact that for the last couple of weeks ive been pretty much unable to eat, i have been drinking alot of water, and taking supplements, so i havent lost too much weight. J and i broke up. he isnt the nicest of guys! Umm...... not much else is happening!! lalala. ok. Rhi Current Mood: thankful Current Music: Darlene Zschech - Change Your World

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January 17th, 2006

09:40 pm - Just a fool to believe.. I'm yet again in such a dreamy state. I am a guilty person. I am guilty about everything, even if its not my fault. At work, if the till if under, even when we find the money that wasnt added properly i still feel as though its my fault. When something bad happens at mum's work, i feel as though its my fault. I have guilt about everything. What if, because im drinking over my 3 litres of water a day so, someone else doesnt get any? yep. i was up for writing a huge entry but ended up recording a demo to send to ashy. now im distracted and on a different thought train, this time about Josie, and the song, and ash, and the studio and all that jazz. *sigh* i want to be mentally normal for once in my life. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Patric Swayze - She's like the wind

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January 14th, 2006

08:30 pm - It Feels Like... It feels like something's just missing inside It feels like I don't know who my real friends are Because the people I thought were my real friends I'm losing faith in And that's bad It feels like life is spiraling out of control It feels like I can't do enough to make my parents, my leader, and my friends all happy And all the things that make them happy Still aren't going to make me Happy It feels like I've been walking around my life with my eyes Closed and now I'm finally seeing the things everyone else was seeing It feels like there isn't a person out there who wants to love me It feels like I don't have a niche in life, and I never will It feels like the only thing I've ever been exceptionally good at, Isn't even good enough anymore It feels like the people who once understood, and maybe the Only person who ever understood Are shutting their eyes and walking away from me slowly Leaving me where I am now Which is so much better than I was before But it's not a place where I want to be left All alone It feels like I'm so confused It feels like I don't know what to do to make myself happy To make everyone else happy To succeed To get what I want out of life It feels like I don't know what I want out of life Or who I want to be in life It feels like I'm not ready for being all alone But I'm going there fast It feels like nobody understands, and I know that sounds Like something whiney that I said when I was 13 Because it is But I can't help that It feels like I'm a caged bird It feels like my wings were ripped off and now I'm condemned to this place It feels like there are such better things out there It feels like I have a hollow place, that echoes it's big and black and empty, a void I don't think it was ever full but once I was close But now that's gone and it's Empty again Entirely It feels like I'm a shell walking around with so many things bouncing around So much passion and so much desire to do good But I can't make sense of it and I can't make it work for me It feels like I look in the mirror and I'm scared because the eyes I see Don't even match the rest of me Because there's a smile on a heavily made up face that seems to look to old and there's a tiny summer dress wrapped around a tallish frame Like any girl could ever hope to have And don't think I'm complaining about how I look because I'm not I'm sort of okay with that, which is better than most girls But my eyes look so sad, so empty, so lonely They're trying to find something, and sometimes When I look out the window and I see the sky and I smell the air And I hear the things nobody else can hear but they're all there Waiting to be heard I feel like for one second Maybe one shining nanosecond One little glimmer of time I've found something Something my soul has been crying for But then it's gone And again I am Alone And empty It feels like I'm discontent with everything and everyone And I can't just sit back and say "I'm happy with life" Because while I'm grateful for all that I have Clean water Fresh food Somewhere to sleep I'm just not quite happy. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: "Fame" The Musical - I'm Gonna Live Forever

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12:49 am - Dont touch me. Why do I get myself into messes? Lucky for me J is going away for 2 weeks from tomorrow morning. I don't have to be around him and mentally handicap myself. I know what I want or at least I thought I did, but funnily enough I don't want to wake up next to a guy im not going to spend the rest of my life with. I want it to be after getting married and everything I always thought I wanted. There are so many different ways that I can be. I could sleep with a guy at a party, or be in a relationship with someone. At the party Im not really giving him as much of me. I'd probably be drunk. Being in a relationship means im giving him more of me. And opening my heart. I don't want to teach my heart to wander, though im pretty sure it needs no help. Am I training myself up to be a statistic in divorce? Am I losing myself? Do I even know who I am? Sometimes I just don't want him to touch me. I cant stand him. Oh lordy if im like this after 1 week how will I be when our relationship is longer? Shit. Current Mood: cranky Current Music: nil.

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January 9th, 2006

10:28 pm - If it makes you happy, it cant be that bad.... If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad? Just went out with J again and we were in a car accident. LOL. but thats not want i want to write about. We kissed. Yes in a movie. Im all about perfection and it ended up being tacky. i hate it when people make out in movie theatres but hey. thats what happened with us. we got so caught up. i guess im quoting "if it makes you happy" by Sheryl Crow for a reason. J is my second choice. God and R are my first choice.love is my first choice. J likes me for my body and i know this. yet im pretending to be happy. and truth is, i basically am. he treats me well, and reminds me alot of my first serious boyfriend (he can pick me up and carry me around like L could) so whatever. im just tired now. need to shower. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Stevie Nicks - Gold

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January 8th, 2006

07:35 pm - J... So J and i went out today and had icecream and saw a movie. it was fun. You know what? we didnt even make out. i know he wanted to, and i sure wanted to.... but i can be a perfectionist and i did not want our first kiss to be in "Harry Potter" hmmm Current Mood: content Current Music: Sheryl Crow - Strong Enough

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12:40 pm - Last Night!!!!! AHHHH.. Last night was fabulous. It was a girl from work's Hens night, so we all got dressed up and trooped into this fantastic little resteraunt on Darling Harbour called "Port Orient", and we had chinese food, sang karaoke and dances the night away. I didnt drink much, it was like 15 dollars for a cocktail (i had a Manhattan. mmmm) and was going to get a Viagra (another drink) but couldnt be bothered getting off the dance floor! I just drank water after that too. We had so much fun, Singing Karaoke "MY SHARONA!!!" and then the host guy needed to teach the "Hens" how to dance the samba or something, so they all had to run to a table they didnt know and grab someone of the opposite sex. THEN the guy looks at me and says "You, the blonde, come be my dance partner" so i had to help teach them all this dance, and we danced (it was sex dancing. lol. it was like dirty dancing, had fun but would have liked to do it with someone i was attracted to this guy was sweaty and old. and got a hard on. ick). I think its fun sometimes when you're the center of attention. all the guys wanted to talk to me, it was fabulous. Then after i taugh them all to dance it was the macarena and i was already on stage so i stayed up there and one of the Hens came up and was dancing with me, and she was a sweetheart. so smashed though. so we're all dancing and her and i are talking over the music then we both jumped down and she gave me a huge hug and kiss. she was darling. I did end up wearing my backless black top and black pants with my silver belt. We danced to songs such as "had the time of my life" and the hokey pokey. it was fab. So now ive got to go blowdry my hair and go out with J. Im so excited! LOVE Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: none.

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January 6th, 2006

09:10 am Picture of me. By Christianna. http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b50/loreley1983/4f2ac9de.jpg Current Mood: Charmed Current Music: Fleetwood Mac - Rhiannon

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January 5th, 2006

10:47 pm - *sigh* I hate choosing. I hate decisions. but i also hate two timing and know that at some stage i need to choose. Do you think if i tried hard enough i could will something to happen? Do you think i could will myself out of love with one, and into love with another? Do you think i could will myself to stop caring that certain people dont care about me anymore? not in a romantic way, in a "youre my friend" way? There are some people who you really think growing up will always be a part of your life. then you grow up a little and it seems only the ones who really care, hang around. Only the ones who really care make the effort to reply to emails, sms's, or decide they miss you and pop in to visit you at work. only the ones who really care dont need to tell you that, but they do anyway. I'm sick to death of fake people. Granted that may sound hypocritical of me as i quite often have a facade. but NOT to be fake to other people, that is to protect myself. If i dont like someone i tell them i dont pussy foot around pretending to be their best friend and quietly bitch behind their backs. I cant wait till i start ballet again. i need regularity, rules, and a bitch of a teacher who wont let me hunch just because im tired or have period pain. i need someone to tell me to suck it up and keep on dancing past the scream of my lungs. I have been letting myself have too much leeway in everything. my eating, drinking, lack of stretching, my laziness in general. If i had a bitch of a teacher to tell me what to do in every area of my life i have no doubt that i would be a fantastic person. I hate that i can analyze everyones situations and be able to give them the answers they need yet i have no idea what to do for myself. Sometimes i feel like i need someone to lean on too. that i can call and go visit and scream my pain at them without them flinching. I'm sick of being the one who holds everyone's hair back when they vomit, who gets them undressed, into bed, and holds them while they fall asleep while they babble about how much they hate themselves and want to die. Im sick of being the one where at this point, having tied their hair back, feel their body heave and make sure i have the bucket properly placed. I dont hate doing that. i love it because i love them.i love that me being there is their security. but i want someone who'll do that for me too. Not to be mistaken i want a best friend. I have alot of "best friends" but not one who would stop vomiting for a second and realise that my hair is being vomited on. You know what? I also want a man. who'll be here when i get home from work, who i can bitch to and whine to. i want to cook him dinner and watch a movie. i want to fall asleep next to him and know that he wont leave me in the middle of the night. i want to wake up in the morning and feel his arms around me. i wonder how long its appropriate to be in a relationship before he can come stay at my house. I guess i need to choose first. who i want. J, or D. yes there is a new one. who i am totally in lust with. who has decided he shall be the one to take me to get my first tattoo. who came to work and stood across the hallway for 30 mins till i realised he was watching me. who has decided i shall sleep in his bed and he in mine. who doesnt have his liscence but wants to get it for me so he can drive me to work. i am a romantic. all a guy has to do is look at me and tell me he wants to wake up with me in his arms everymorning and im as good as his. maybe that just makes me a slut. sorry for rambling but this is my diary and i need to vent. I also need sleep. I'm off to read "the diary of anne frank" and get some rest. I am going to look HOT on saturday night. but i have too many guys to choose from already so maybe i'll wear my fake wedding ring. lol. night all. xx Current Mood: Thoughtful.. and envious.. Current Music: Kelly Clarkson - Because of you

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10:26 am - Beautiful For those of you who dont know i love Stevie Nicks. She is beautiful. One of my friends from England made me this! http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b50/loreley1983/b8230585.jpg its beautiful. love her! Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Black Eyed Peas - My Humps

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January 4th, 2006

10:57 pm - Just like heaven... Just saw "Just like heaven" with my best friend. i loved it. had read the book and im not sure which was better! trying to figure out who i am and what i want. why am i so................ indecicive? Current Mood: envious Current Music: none.

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05:09 pm - Are we all like this? *sigh* I have been doing alot of thinking lately.. Do we all settle for second best, if the best is too hard, too obscure, too much work or just too inconvienient? You see, I had a relationship with this guy, and honest to goodness i thought i loved him. and i still think i love him. He is everything i want in a guy, everything ive spent my life dreaming about. We seemed to fit together perfectly. Yes we argue a bit, but its the same way i argue with my best friend, we dont mean it, its play arguing. This guy, knows everything about me. everything i know about me anyway. He knows i'm no longer queen of purity, he knows that i used to self harm, he knows sometimes i still just dont eat. He liked to cook me food and we'd stand out by the bbq in the freezing cold and he'd just hold me and tell me he loved me. When i looked him in the eyes i could see the way he felt about me. it wasnt lust after my body, it was love for me as a person. I never thought anything to do with him was a mistake. But now he is in a relationship with another girl, and i cant help wondering if he whispers those same sweet nothings into her ear. If he holds her with half as much tenderness as he held me. if he calls her every night and falls asleep on the phone to her. if he skips class to talk to her. if he strokes her hair in the same way he did mine. He was everything i ever wanted and nothing i didnt. My point here is, there have been many guys since, who i've had a fleeting interest in.. and one in particular who now has told me he is interested in me, and so i suppose we're "seeing" each other now. The guy i really want to be with, i cant be. So at the moment i'm settling with this new guy who we'll call J. Is it right for me to settle for second best? Should i? Part of my reasoning behind this relationship with J is so that i will partly get back at the guy i love who'll we'll call R. Second best. will i always live out my passions this way? The same thing is happening with my music. I want to be a worship leader more than a pop star, yet i seem to be chasing the dream thats second best.. why? Because being just a pop star is less work. less maintenence, less faith so to speak. Its the easy way out, and the one with the least work. So i write pop songs instead, record them, and am a few months away from sending them off. Usually im not a second best kinda gal. I want everything to be the best which i guess is why if its not the best then i dont want to have anything to do with it. Example: Relationship with God. I guess thats why sometimes my relationship with him seems fantastic.. and other times its non existant? Yep. The perfectionist in me. So my question. Why do i take second best? Is it because i know deep down im not worthy of the best? I hate that i think this way. Current Mood: confused Current Music: The Academy is - "Skeptics and True Believers"

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January 2nd, 2006

07:23 pm - You had me at hello. Hey. Well I have a MYSPACE, OPENDIARY, and now I have a LIVEJOURNAL. Hoorah! I'm not really up for the whole introduction thing, but if you want to know anything about me, just ask. I'll give you basic stats though! Name: Rhiannon. Nicknames: RhiRhi, Miss Rhi, Nannon... Occupation: Beauty Therapist! Shoe Size: 7/8. LOL. yes i love shoes, so i had to include THAT! I love music. All kinds of music. Happy New Year by the way. I hope everyone had a good one! Current Mood: numb Current Music: Sheryl Crow - Run, Baby, Run

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